Broken
by Icy Frost
Summary: Haku looks back on the time that he spends with Zabuza, and how his promise to the Hidden Mist Ninja has hindered his relationship with him. ZabuzaxHaku.


Author's note: Hiya, guys! Here I am again, trying my hand at a story. It's a lot better than the last one, I think, and it's part of my 31 stories in 31 days challenge. I thought that it was pretty awesome and should be shared. Anyway, it's kind of long, so grab yourself a nice cup'a joe and enjoy! Also, the paring in this story is HakuxZabuza. Yes, it's boyxboy, so if you don't like, don't read.

Disclaimer: No.. I don't own Naruto. --

Broken

My name is Haku.

Just.. Haku.

It's nothing special.

_I'm _nothing special.

But my name isn't what's important.

What is important, however is this tale. It's the tale of a broken spirit, of a broken heart, but one that was mended.. whether the person who did it knows this or not.

His name is.. or rather was Zabuza.

Yes was.

He's dead now, and so am I.

But let us rewind a little. I'm getting a head of myself.

I can still remember the day I met him. I was sitting alone.. cold and hungry out in the snowfall. He'd seemingly come out of nowhere, towering above my small, frail body. I'd been fearless, thinking that he would've killed me already if that had been his intention. But he wouldn't. His eyes.. his eyes had been just like mine. I remember telling him that I thought so. He'd responded by telling me that he'd take me in, but under one condition. I'd become his tool. There would be no friendship, no love between he and I. I'd simply be something that would be used at his disposal, for anything and everything he wanted me to do.

Most people would have frowned upon such an offer, obsessed with individuality and whatnot. Strange thing was, this didn't matter that much to me. I was so young and naïve that I agreed, but now, so many years later, I wouldn't change a single thing.

Despite what Zabuza had said, I found myself falling for the Hidden Mist ninja. It'd started out as a simple attraction at first: allowing my gaze to linger on him a little too long, finding myself thinking about him constantly. Zabuza had never really been one to speak of love and lust, so as I began to mature, and my feelings for him blossomed into something much more than a simple attraction, I wasn't sure how to respond.

Strange dreams of he and I robbed me of my sleep during the night to the point where I could no longer share a room with him when we came across the occasional shelter on our journeys for fear of what I might be saying or even doing while I slept. I knew I was putting my very likelihood at risk by even thinking of him in that way because.. because tools didn't have emotions. Tools that lost their sharpness, their accuracy were thrown away.

Unrequited love was better than nothing, after all.

As the days grew shorter and the nights longer, Zabuza began to leave more and more often. He'd disappear well before I was awake, staying gone for sometimes days at a time. The first few times this occurred, I was terribly frightened. What if I'd upset him? What if he no longer needed my skill? I'd felt the sting of my mother's slap once again, feeling as if I'd failed Zabuza as I had once did her. As I stared down at his empty bed, I couldn't help but allow a strange disheartening sensation to course throughout my veins, feeling my very being with it's unwanted sorrow.

I tried to reason with myself then. Saying that he wouldn't just abandon me. He'd.. give me some sort of sign, right? Tell me that our short-lived time together was no more. Or, knowing him, he might've simply killed me, for fear of my extensive knowledge of his jutsu.

Before I even began to comprehend what was occurring, a strange, overwhelming feeling reared itself inside of me. It was a burning, a burning I'd known all too well as a child. I tried to hold back the tears that threatened to spill, I truly did. But my efforts had proved fruitless as I leaned over and buried my face in Zabuza's mattress, allowing what could be no better described than raw emotion make itself known.

I hadn't eaten much in those two days whilst Zabuza was away. Though I did find myself pondering what I should do. Was leaving really even an option? I'd grown too attached to Zabuza over the years. I couldn't leave him.. even though it was painfully obvious that he had no problem in leaving me.

"Haku,"At the soft utterance of that one simple word, the seemingly eternal gloom above my head shattered. I'd never been so relieved in my life. He stood in the doorway of the conjoined rooms, clutching a small white bag in one had and a box in the other.

"I hope you like spring rolls." He had grumbled, taking off his shoes and taking a seat on the floor, pulling open the bag as he did so. I knew that my red, puffy eyes must've been the size of saucer plates just then, and he must've been aware that I'd been crying.. much to my dismay. I hadn't dared asked him where he'd gone and why he had just abandoned me there, no matter how much I wanted too. He was looking at me curiously now, awaiting my answer.

I had to think quick. Avert the subject from my current, pathetic state. "N-no, spring rolls are fine," I found myself stammering, eyes to the ground. I took a seat across from him, hesitantly taking the food that he was offering to me, even though I felt almost nauseated with the feeling of the enormous weight lifted off of my shoulders.

As I nibbled upon a roll, Zabuza pulled the box that he'd been holding from behind his back, tossing it onto my lap. "I got you something. I saw it in a store a few days ago and thought you'd like it. Eh. If you don't like it, I'll take it back." Was all he said, and all he really needed to say. The box told all.

I remember how I had stared at him for a long, long while, a little unsure. What if this was some sort of going-away present? Had I done something wrong..? Paranoia certainly wasn't pleasant, and neither was suspicion.

The heartbeat that sounded in my ears made it difficult for me to concentrate, even though all I was doing was taking the top off of the smooth, white box. I clenched my jaw and gently pried it off, a slight blush marring my cheeks as I did so. I could feel my heart going infinitely faster, and I could barely hear myself gasp at what I saw.

A kimono.

A beautiful pink kimono with black designs made entirely of silk. The sash was long and pure white, soft and cool to the touch as I stroked it adoringly. Carefully, I pulled it from the box and stood, holding it against my body. "It's beautiful, Zabuza-san! However shall I repay you?" I breathed, my adoration for him obvious in the tone of voice I'd tried so hard to suppress.

Zabuza shrugged. "Consider it my repayment for all the things that you've done," He replied, brushing it off as if it meant nothing. And it probably did to him. He would never, _ever_ realize just how much those words meant to me.

I felt myself smiling then.

Smiling brightly and idiotically. I went down in front of him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I knew that this was a potential mistake , that Zabuza wouldn't react how I wanted him to by hugging me back, or even sitting there and allowing me to embrace him. But he didn't move. He didn't pull away, or do much of anything for that matter. His legs did fall back flat from their propped up positions, though, and I felt the skin of his wrists as it brushed against my upper arms, his own arms wrapping around me and pulling me closer.

I felt a sense of completeness then.

It was a peculiar feeling, one of acceptance. Even though I could smell the slight stench of alcohol on his breath, it did not matter.

"Thank you, Zabuza-san. Thank you ever so much.." I whispered, eyes sliding close for just a moment as I relished in this embrace. I began to draw back, ignoring my thoughts of staying in his arms forever.

There was a moment then, as our eyes met. Ebony gazing intently into chocolate. My breath hitched in my throat as he reached forward, clasping my chin between his calloused thumb and forefinger, holding it still as he captured my lips in a brief kiss. "No, Haku. Thank you." His speech was slurred now as he spoke to me, every word colliding with the other.

My heart soared. I felt as if it would burst from within the confines of my chest, or simply stop altogether. My first kiss had been ever-so-short, but it had been mischievously stolen by the person to whom I planned on giving it to all along.

Zabuza regarded it as nothing, of course. A simple thank you kiss meant to be forgotten. He really didn't know how much it meant to me. He climbed to his feet, pushing me away in the process. He looked at me now as he'd always looked at me. Cold, uncaring. "I'm going to bed," He told me, stretching. "Keep watch or whatever." He slipped off all of the bandages around his torso, and I watched him skillfully slip a kunai out of it's holster as he climbed underneath the sheets.

As I turned to exit, the elder ninja called out to me, drunkenly offering for me to join him in bed for the night. As much as I wanted too, I turned him down, rather frightened at the thought of what he would say when he woke up in the morning and saw me slumbering next to him.

Quickly, I left the room before he could make anymore over-friendly offers to me. Closing the door behind me, I paused, breathing in deeply. "My goodness.." I gasped, two slim fingers placed upon my lips. They were still tingling!

I sat there for a while, collecting my thoughts. After finally gathering up the energy to climb to my feet, I went back into the living room, placing the box on the couch and sitting next to it, a frown upon my face. I wanted to so desperately to try it on, but somehow, it didn't seem appropriate. The kimono seemed to be something that a princess would wear. Not someone like me.

But curiosity soon won the internal conflict and I quickly stripped almost bare of all the clothing I'd been wearing. I gently pulled the silky fabric over my skin, tying the sash securely around my waist as I headed towards the small bathroom, flipping the light switch as I went.

The sight before me left me speechless. I couldn't believe who I saw staring back at me from the mirror.. it was if the kimono had changed me. Transformed me into something much more magnificent than I truly was. It seemed to be made for a god.. or a goddess, rather, for it clung to my body perfectly, except for the torso. It was obviously made for a female, as the torso of it hung loosely on me.

It was then that something occurred to me.

Perhaps Zabuza wanted me to appear more.. feminine?

It seemed rather absurd, but it was plausible. It could be that he was embarrassed to always be seen with another male. I chuckled a little at the thought, leaning over the sink and peering at my reflection in the mirror, wondering what I could possibly change. It seemed a little awkward then, for I don't think most boys my age were concerning themselves with such things.

Of course, I wasn't like most boys.

Pulling the two deadly needles that held my hair in a bun atop my head out, I watched as it cascaded down unto my shoulders in a massive auburn wave, slightly unkempt for I rarely took the time to brush it.

With a small laugh, I began to feel guilty, foolish even. What in the world was I doing? Zabuza wasn't concerned with what I looked like! I was nothing more than a tool to him.

How could I forget this? How could I forget my greatest burden?

Suddenly, looking into the mirror disgusted me.

I sank below it, falling onto the cold, tile flooring, drawing my kimono-clad knees up to my chest, burying my face in them. "I want to be more than just a tool to you, Zabuza-san. Can't you see? I love you so much.. so much, that sometimes it hurts me. A tool and a human.. if being close to you means being a tool, then so be it. It pains me to think in such a manner, but what choice do I have? What choice?" I felt like sobbing then, like letting go of all of the emotions that had been kept secret over the years. Every smile, every laugh.. all stopped in my throat before they made themselves known. I knew it would be in my best interest to remain automaton-like, unloving, unimportant. The only reason I knew that Zabuza wanted.. tolerated my presence was because of my bloodline, my abilities.

Nothing more. It didn't matter much now, did it?

A slight buzzing noise penetrated my thoughts as the fluorescent lights above began to strain, having never been used for such a long period of time before. Again, I tried to stop myself from crying, for I'd already lost my self-resolve once that night, and I didn't need to lose it again. What if Zabuza-san saw me?

I'd be cast aside like I _knew _I should've been a long, long time ago.

But really, a dammed river can only stay that way for so long. It started with a few stinging trickles that tickled my cheeks. I could feel the breath-taking emotion starting to rise through my through, spilling from my lips in one horribly anguished cry, and I desperately wished that I'd at least closed the door. Zabuza.. he had been the cause of my distress, and yet, I still adored him. I couldn't hate him and I wouldn't hate him. I cried because I loved him and didn't know how to deal with it.

I buried my face in my arms to muffle the noises, feeling distinctly concerned about getting teardrops onto my kimono. Thoughts raced through my head as I continued my emotional release. Somehow wondering if I was doing something wrong. Thoughts weren't supposed to be present, were they? Heh.. I couldn't even do something so simple correctly. I couldn't possibly hope to live up to Zabuza-san's expectations..

Sobs begin to blur into almost soothing hiccups, and I soon found myself drifting in and out of sleep, as the light buzzing overhead would fade into nothingness, and then flare up loudly in my ears, causing my drooping mahogany eyes to fill with tears again. But eventually, I collapsed over onto my side, the cool tile floor pressing harshly against my face as the power of sleep claimed me.. for a moment, that is.

The next thing I remember was feeling a certain presence enter the bathroom, and my eyes sluggishly sliding open. They felt so heavy and swollen then, even more so than they had earlier that evening.

As my eyes slid in and out of focus, I could tell that the other person had been none other than Zabuza. Of course. _Of course. _I would've rather seen the unforgiving villagers that I'd encountered in my childhood, rather than seeing his confused face. I sat up quickly and regretted it, for I now had a pounding headache that rested just behind my eyes.

"Z-Zabuza-san.. I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to fall asleep here.." I stuttered, wincing slightly under the intense gaze of the other.

It didn't take him long to point out the obvious. "You've been crying." It was a statement rather than a question, and it really left no room for argument, though I did try to anyway.

I covered my face as best I could with my hands, drawing in a deep breath through my nostrils as I did so. I quickly put on the façade that I usually wore around him as I attempted to come up with a reason as to why I was on the bathroom floor with red eyes and a tear-stained kimono.

"No, no, of course not! I'm in here because.. because I came in here last night to try on this new kimono you bought for me and.. I fainted.." The lie came out choppy and suspicious. Zabuza remained somewhat concerned, but seemed nonchalant about it.

Narrowing his eyes, he folded his arms over his chest and told me," Very well. Do as you wish, I suppose, but I'd prefer it if you didn't lie to me. The truth, Haku. Now."

I felt my bottom lip tremble in fear, but not because I was frightened of him. Moreover the fact that the truth would come now, because that's what Zabuza wanted. My head drooped down low and I stared at my lap.

"I'm sorry, Zabuza-san. I have been crying.. and I regret it thoroughly and completely. I overwhelmed myself with emotions I'd never experienced before. It'll never happen again. I swear." I was talking too quickly. I could barely understand myself.

Zabuza was as silent as I was. What would happen now? Was this the last time I'd see him? Not only had I lied to him, I'd broken the promise I'd made to him in the beginning. But didn't he know just how impossible this was when one was in love? After a moment's pause, Zabuza turned and walked out, acting as if nothing had occurred.

I was dumbfounded. What does this mean? Is Zabuza angry with me? Disappointed? I remember how confused I was, of course. Zabuza had never been outspoken, though he'd never been one for long silences, or giving someone the cold shoulder. So, I wasn't really sure whether he was upset or if he simply did not care. The latter was what I was hoping for.

Finally, he spoke. "Come." He said. "We've got to meet someone-a client-today. Get dressed." I inwardly slumped, relieved, though I swiftly complied with what he told me to do.

It was lightly misting as Zabuza and I flew through the trees, branches and leaves blurring together beside us. I loved gliding through the trees like that feeling the rush of the wind and having to make the split-second decisions that could save my life or end it.

_Who was this mysterious client? _I wondered, though didn't desire to ask Zabuza. We didn't have to travel long until my question was answered. It was a large building, simple-looking from the outside, though quite complicated once one entered it. I followed after my 'master' of sorts silently, though a foreboding feeling continued to eat away at the walls of my chest. And that's when we met him.

Gatou. Who would've known that this chubby little man would've changed my life forever? I hated him from the time I first saw him, and Zabuza did as well.

He was as suspicious of us as we were of him, and his goons constantly eyed me throughout the entire time he and Zabuza spoke. I stood completely still, head bowed as I secretly thought of every way I could kill this fiend. After their 'productive' meeting ended, I'd come up with two-hundred-and-seventeen using only taijutsu.

Damn it. I wish I'd enforced those options, for that man.. that demon was ultimately responsible for turning my life upside down. I didn't hate for that, though. Surprising, I know. I couldn't believe that, in the end, I felt no true resentment towards the rich, uptight man.

Ah, well, a few weeks later, we encountered one of the ninja in Zabuza's Bingo Book.

Kakashi Hatake, The Copy Ninja.

Zabuza had ordered me to observe the jonin's fighting style, as well as his team of genin. I felt so ridiculous in that tracker ninja outfit, especially with the mask. I'd been ordered ot keep it on, for their would be a need for it when I made my appearance to rescue him if things got a little too rough.

With each successful hit that Kakashi landed on the Hidden Mist Ninja, I felt my concern for him grow. I gripped the deadly accurate needles within my forefinger and middle finger tightly as I kneeled a thin tree branch, legs bent like springs, the tension within them almost buzzing as I awaited my time. With bated breath, I watched as Zabuza's water style attack backfired, engulfing him in a wild river of water.

With Zabuza cornered against a tree, battered and limp, I knew that it was my time to step in. I released the needles from within my grasp, striking the pressure points on the side of Zabuza's neck. I watched his eyes widen and then close, having to turn away when he fell to the ground. After I retrieved him, slightly discontented by the almost over-kill of the Copy Ninja.

_He would've killed Zabuza-san had I not stepped in, wouldn't he? That bastard. That selfish, selfish bastard._ That same thought repeated over and over within my head like a mantra, and I felt ashamed for thinking it. Gatou showed up a few hours after the fight between the two jonin, threatening us.. or rather threatening Zabuza.

Gatou's disregard for me altered greatly soon after, when he tried to touch Zabuza. _My_Zabuza. I grabbed his fleshy wrist and bent it at an awkward angle, never once taking my eyes off of the resting man before me. "Don't touch him." I'd told him simply, hearing the hiss of Gatou's goon's swords. Now that I was able to protect Zabuza, I wasn't going to let some lowlife gangsters like Gatou and his men hurt him. I couldn't help but laugh when the chubby man actually had the nerve to warn us one last time after I took out his right had men. Easily, I might add.

Things were peaceful for the rest of that day. The only thing that I regret, even now is that I didn't tell him. The perfect opportunity to say those three simple words. But really, even I didn't know that day would be the last day I spent with him. I wish that I could've pushed that cowardice away for just a moment, just to tell him how I felt.

_I love you, Zabuza._

Death. It's a part of life. It completes the circle. We're born, we live, and we die. Simple. I kenw all my life that I wouldn't live that long. It was a fact that did not frighten me, didn't concern me. I rather embraced it, for I knew that a tool's usefulness only lasted so long. I felt no resentment towards the man who took my life. At least I lost it protecting the one I loved.

I remember something that Zabuza had once said to me. He told me that when we died, he and I wouldn't be going to the same place. I was rather young when he told me this, and it didn't really make that much sense to me.

But I understand him perfectly now. It meant that I'll never be able to tell him how I feel.. how I've always felt. He'll never know.

He'll never know.

Perhaps.. perhaps this was a good thing, because tools don't feel love anyway.

Owari


End file.
